Hopefully all of you idiots out there who voted for “change you can believe in” have realized that there has been… absolutely no change since Obama has been in office. Now, arguably Mr. Obama’s penchant for doing nothing is preferable to Mr. Bush’s propensity to screw everything up, but nonetheless I think we were all hoping for a little bit more after Obama’s great marketing campaign. It seems his strategy is more or less to stick his head in the sand and hope everything is better when he pulls it out – how could it get worse, right? Well, unfortunately it’s not really working and things are still getting slightly worse.

But anyway, enough political commentary – after not being funny for quite some time, Saturday Night Live decided to create some pretty funny and surprisingly honest comedy in regards to our president.

Please keep in mind that it starts off VERY SLOW and gets funny around 3:30, but you will want to at least listen a bit before to set the stage:

(Youtube took down the Video, so I have to send you to this website:
http://www.rightpundits.com/?p=5042

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Finally, an article that allowed me to write my own cheesy lawyer joke:

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a criminal in a three-piece suit? Not much, evidently.

“Career Crook” Ronald Tackman went to his court hearing dressed in a suit and started wandering around the court. Apparently he slipped away to a different section of the court house, where a court reporter mistook him for a lawyer, at which point Ronald probably realized that he could just “bail” (if you will), made a small ruckus and then sauntered causally out of the court.

Mr. Tackman is still currently a free man, as no one has any idea where he is.

Ronald’s other notable accomplishments include a failed hijacking attempt with a homemade rubber band gun, and a failed escape attempt with a fake gun carved out of soap. Third time’s a charm I guess.

I have a personal message for Judge Kevin P. Moriarty: GIVE IT UP. Regardless of whether it’s true or not, your alleged masturbation is all over the news, internet and world. You can try to live this one down, but you are ALWAYS going to be the judge who probably was masturbating while asking a plaintiff about her panties.

I want to say right off the bat that it has not been conclusively proven that this judge was actually masturbating. It probably can’t be proven either way. What brings this into the realm of that particular brand of American retardosity is 1) that this guy is somehow IN this situation and 2) he actually tried to make a public statement rebutting the claim.

Let’s first take a look at #1. I want all my readers to imagine, if you will, what it would be like to be from another country at this time in history. Some of you may actually be from another country – you sit this one out because you already know the answer.

You are watching this country, which beyond any shadow of a doubt started off as one of the greatest human accomplishments of all time, and held the hope of liberty and progress for all humanity in it’s fledgling hands, become one of the biggest jokes in human history.

We just listened in horror to the presidency of George Bush (regardless of your politics, the man could NOT speak). Then we bred Kayne. Now this.

A good analogy for America is Bob Saget – the pure, innocent father-figure from one of our favorite show’s in the 90’s, becomes a filthy degenerate stand-up comedian.

Now let’s look at #2.

How exactly does someone who is supposed to be upholding all that is fair and righteous in society, rebut a claim that he was masturbating on the job?

Here is Judge Moriarty’s official response:

“I can assure you at no time was I ever acting in the role of a judge, using profanity repeatedly, directing the word f— to her, discussing her sex life or her panties, or in any way intentionally intimidating her or attempting to sexually harass her. For her to say ‘the majority of the time we were in the courtroom, it appeared as if judge Moriarty was masturbating under the bench,’ is a complete lie.”

Listen buddy, it’s over. You lost the Game of Life. Just let it go. For your sake, I hope your parents are dead and that your friends quickly block you from their Facebook profiles – or whatever. Now quit your job, move to the Cayman islands and catch crab for a living. Game over.

Today, I’d like to give a shout out to another Web 2.0 guy who just can’t believe how retarded American can be – and boy is there a lot to talk about. Arguably a lot more entertaining than myself, and not to mention he actual puts some effort into this pursuit by creating videos, I highly suggest you check out Philip DeFranco’s YouTube channel if you’re in the mood for a good laugh and some stupid American bashing:

http://www.youtube.com/user/sxephil#play/uploads/

Modern society is preparing for its most recent plague, which will quite possibly be the most dangerous thing to happen to humanity since the last great outbreak: the release of the Swine Flu vaccination. That’s right, not the flu, the “prevention.”

A “top news story” featured on AOL this morning with the brazen title “2,000 Students at Washington State University Have Swine Flu.”

The article says that “More than 2,000 students at Washington State University have come down with swine flu symptoms in just the first week of classes, school officials said Friday” (Emphasis mine).

The alarmist and socially irresponsible title says the students “have the swine flu.” The article says that they have swine flu symptoms. What does that even mean? A runny nose? No doubt this information is based on self-reporting (like much of the “information” we have on the Swine Flu), which means that most of the students were probably hung over from the ‘first week of classes’ and reported these symptoms as potentially being the Swine Flu – because that’s what everyone is telling them it probably is.

No other information is provided in this fear-mongering article which serves no purpose other than to spread media hype in an attempt to grease the American population for the arrival of the soon-to-be-released Swine Flu vaccinations, coming soon to a doctor near you.

The article goes on to say that “A presidential panel estimates that upward of half of the U.S. population could come down with the H1N1 this year.” Oh my God, really?

Read what the Federal Health Minister of Australia has to say about the Swine Flu:

In Australia, where the winter season has begun, Federal Health Minister Nicola Roxon is reassuring parents the swine flu is no more dangerous than regular seasonal flu. “Most people, including children, will experience very mild symptoms and recover without any medical intervention,” she said.”

The article goes on to discuss that the Swine Flu is no more dangerous than any other seasonal flu, and will likely be responsible for possibly 100 death in the United States. Meanwhile, we will be mass-injecting over 75 million people with a vaccine that has been proven to be dangerous to our nervous systems.

This article
discusses Squalene, an ingredient in the Swine Flu that has been linked to very adverse symptoms which are probably worse than the Swine Flu.

As someone who works in marketing, I know a “pre-sell” when I see one. Pre-selling is an extremely powerful sales tactic in which a source that seems reputable (ie. the target audience is likely to trust the source) begins to subtly convince the intended victim, er, customer, that an upcoming product or service is worthwhile in order to increase the likelihood of selling the product once it arrives.

Dictionary.com says pre-selling is:
2) To promote (a product not yet on the market) by means of advertising.
3) To condition (a potential customer) in advance for later purchase of a product.

“But the Swine Flu vaccine is not a product ,” you say, “it’s intended to save the lives of millions of Americans!”

First of all, countless health officials and medical professionals do not agree – and I’ll bet most are afraid to speak up. Secondly, the vaccine absolutely is a product, and the drug companies are bracing themselves for the billions of dollars they are about to receive from the sale of Swine Flu vaccines.

The “pandemic” is nothing but a combination of very good marketing on the part of Drug companies, and the fear-mongering of a bunch of lemmings, the media, who maintain their station in our society by spreading fear, misinformation and half-truths.

Most people in the mainstream media are most likely just stupid, or irresponsible at worst. On the other hand, the drug companies are downright profit-hungry murderers, a plague on their fellow human beings (if they can be called humans at all).

They use us as guinea pigs for profit.

It’s difficult to blame this one on the stupidity of the American public because this is one of the most well-planned and well-executed marketing ploys in history, and one that plays on the natural human fear to protect one’s health.

How many parents will unknowingly damage their child’s future health, in an ironic attempt to protect their health, in the coming year? How will we damage future generations of humanity with our drug experimentation?

I have no doubt that future generations will look back on these last few decades as an atrocity in the annals of human history, much like we now think about shock treatment and lobotomies to cure “mental illnesses” that were largely imagined.

As has been said before, “want to become a millionaire? Invent a disease and market the cure.”

Indeed.

Legal Disclaimer for the sake of our litigious society and drug companies which have far more money than I do: I am not a doctor and all of this is my opinion. You would be advised not to listen to anything I have written here and discuss your health with a doctor before making any decisions about the Swine Flu vaccination.

Movie Review: Snakes on a Plane

Best Line: “I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!” — Samuel L. Jackson

I have a confession to make – I am sitting here watching “Snakes on a Plane” solely so that I can write about it.

First of all, this movie exemplifies a current trend that I absolutely despise: utterly unoriginal movie titles that leave nothing to the imagination.

“Fighter” is coming out soon. Any clue what this movie is about? How about “Snakes on a Plane?” If I know what the entire movie is going to be about just from the title, I’m not going to watch your movie. Can we put a little bit of thought into a multi-million dollar production?

I blame all you idiots who go see the movie any way, to distract yourself from your pathetic life for two hours.

After about 30 minutes of virtually nothing happening, this movie begins with a surfer witnessing a murder by an Asian gangster. Then for some reason not worth recounting, Samuel L. Jackson shows up – do we really need a reason? It’s Sam Jackson for God’s sake.

Then for some reason, also not worth explaining, they get on a plane. And this plane – wait for it – has some snakes on it. On the plane. Let me reiterate: there are snakes on this plane. I know, I love a good plot twist TOO. And these snakes are MEAN, deadly, highly intelligent, and on a mission. A mission to bite people. On a plane.

There really is nothing else worth talking about. Sometimes there are movies that you just know are going to be retarded, but you go see them just for something to do, and then the movie ends giving you at least a laugh or two, or pause for thought in one part or another, or some inkling of value. “Snakes on a Plane” is not one of these movies.

See This Movie If: Don’t See This Movie.

Don’t See This Movie If: Let me reiterate: there is no reason for you to ever see this movie. Ok, if you have a blog in which you make fun of movies on a regular basis to emphasize how stupid American culture is, AND you’re bored on a Sunday night, then maybe you should see this movie. Otherwise, do NOT SEE THIS MOVIE.

Recently, I did a post on the Hancock movie which I claimed was the most unimaginative Superhero movie ever – and it was. Well, this must be “guys with ridiculous superpowers just for the sake of making a movie” week at my house.

In this case, we are discussing “Jumper” in which “Anakin Skywalker” (I don’t care what his real name is) plays some guy who can teleport ANYWHERE in the world with absolutely no limitations whatsoever (unless he is “tased” – but we’ll get to that).

Now, why is he able to do this? No special reason – evidently, there is “something in his DNA” that allows him and a few select others to do so (in other words, it allows someone to churn out a movie with virtually no plot for the sake of making a profit).

Anyway,  you are introduced to his love interest (who he knows he is fated to be with, despite being 15 years old), his new-found powers, and the backstory about his parents literally within minutes of the opening scene.

And so the movie continues with “Anakin” globetrotting and playing around with his abilities.

At some point, we find out that he is being tracked by Samuel L. Jackson, touting his tired, played-out “badass” attitude. Evidently “Jumpers” (as they are called) have been around since the medieval times and “Paladins” (of the likes of Jackson) hunt them and kill them.

Why? Because “only God should be able to be in all places, at all times.” The Jumpers can usually just teleport away from any sticky situation, but Paladins are able to thwart their ability with machines that send electrical currents through the bodies of the Jumpers (so how they caught them back in the day is a mystery).

The action throughout the flick is mildly entertaining, but certainly nothing you can’t see elsewhere. There really is nothing else worth discussing.

See This Movie If: You have Netflix or some other service with unlimited rentals, you don’t have to pay for the movie, and you are willing to waste a few hours of your life that you will never get back for an unimaginative, slightly entertaining but mostly brainless “adventure.”

Do NOT See This Movie If: You prefer stories with a plot, proper character development, a love story that isn’t retarded and unfounded, a main character with superpowers that have a believable explanation, jokes that are funny… you get the idea.