Archive for the ‘Retarded Americans’ Category

2012 in review

Posted: December 30, 2012 in Retarded Americans

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 5,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 8 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.


This just in (ok, a couple months ago): People magazine catches LeAnn Rimes in the act of enjoying the opposite sex. She was watching Go-Go dancers at a gay club in West Hollywood, where a source reports she “definitely appeared to be having a great time.”

Holy shit.

2010 in Review

Posted: January 2, 2011 in Retarded Americans

The stats helper monkeys at mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 5,000 times in 2010. That’s about 12 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 3 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 13 posts.

The busiest day of the year was January 12th with 62 views. The most popular post that day was Swine Flu: Biggest Scam of 2009 Begins, Millions Prepare to “Protect Their Health”.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were,,,, and

Some visitors came searching, mostly for swine flu scam, america is retarded, swine flu fraud, flu scam, and retarded americans.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.


Swine Flu: Biggest Scam of 2009 Begins, Millions Prepare to “Protect Their Health” September 2009


A Tribute to the King of Retards – George Bush January 2009


Judge Masturbates in Court – Only in America October 2009


“Why Are You Doing Sex To Me Obama?” November 2009


Is Kanye West an Idiot? Absolutely. February 2010 ran a feature story today on how to look hot in your bikini this summer; they actually created an entire video on the topic.

Unfortunately, most of it is hogwash. In fact, I can save you a lot of time. The groundbreaking formula for looking hot in your bikini this summer is:

Be Hot + Wear a Bikini

So yes, that precludes people who are not hot from looking hot in a bikini. It also precludes those who don’t wear bikinis from looking hot in one, even if they are hot.

This is a bit of old news at this point, but a recent discussion with a lady friend of mine has lead me to want to comment on this issue. The discussion went something like this:

Me (paraphrasing): “Kanye West is an idiot. His stunt at the VMA’s was selfish, stupid, pointless and rude.”

Her (paraphrasing): “Actually, I respect him. He’s not afraid to say what he thinks and he just uses the forums available to him.”

Kanye West Taylor Smith vmas

Now, clearly this person’s opinion is incorrect and I’d like to explain why, as well as give any of you who also have this opinion another opportunity to re-think your stance on this issue.

First of all, let’s break down exactly what happened at the VMA’s. Like many other artists that night, Taylor Swift won an award, in this case for best video. On the other hand, Kanye disagreed with this decision and decided to mount the stage during Miss Swift’s acceptance and declare that, in fact, Beyonce had the better video; actually, the best video ever. And I quote:

I’m sorry, but BeyoncĂ© had one of the best videos of all time.” – Kanye West

“I’m sorry” are the only worthwhile words in that statement. You should be Kanye.

But I digress. So basically what happened, in a nutshell, is that Kanye had a difference of opinion. So far so good. Unfortunately he then decided to ruin a little girl’s acceptance speech in front of a gigantic audience of peers on national television.

Now, luckily there aren’t many idiots who think his behavior is at all acceptable, but for any of those who do, let me explain why this behavior is simply unacceptable in human society.

Imagine, as we must, that there are a significant amount of people in that room that disagree with any given decision; after all, there are generally five contenders for each award, and most people have a preference of one or at most two people. So many if not most people are going to disagree on some level with each decision. Now imagine if everyone of those people decided to rush the stage, wrestle for control of the microphone and declare that the person who won did not deserve to win.

Exactly. Kanye West is definitively a rude, ignorant, utterly self-centered moron.

He also thinks he the ‘Jesus of this generation.’ What an idiot.

So, Kanye West you have officially joined George Bush, the man you hate so much, as a certified, card-carrying, Retarded American. On this blog at least.

Hopefully all of you idiots out there who voted for “change you can believe in” have realized that there has been… absolutely no change since Obama has been in office. Now, arguably Mr. Obama’s penchant for doing nothing is preferable to Mr. Bush’s propensity to screw everything up, but nonetheless I think we were all hoping for a little bit more after Obama’s great marketing campaign. It seems his strategy is more or less to stick his head in the sand and hope everything is better when he pulls it out – how could it get worse, right? Well, unfortunately it’s not really working and things are still getting slightly worse.

But anyway, enough political commentary – after not being funny for quite some time, Saturday Night Live decided to create some pretty funny and surprisingly honest comedy in regards to our president.

Please keep in mind that it starts off VERY SLOW and gets funny around 3:30, but you will want to at least listen a bit before to set the stage:

(Youtube took down the Video, so I have to send you to this website:

Finally, an article that allowed me to write my own cheesy lawyer joke:

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a criminal in a three-piece suit? Not much, evidently.

“Career Crook” Ronald Tackman went to his court hearing dressed in a suit and started wandering around the court. Apparently he slipped away to a different section of the court house, where a court reporter mistook him for a lawyer, at which point Ronald probably realized that he could just “bail” (if you will), made a small ruckus and then sauntered causally out of the court.

Mr. Tackman is still currently a free man, as no one has any idea where he is.

Ronald’s other notable accomplishments include a failed hijacking attempt with a homemade rubber band gun, and a failed escape attempt with a fake gun carved out of soap. Third time’s a charm I guess.