Archive for October, 2009

Finally, an article that allowed me to write my own cheesy lawyer joke:

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a criminal in a three-piece suit? Not much, evidently.

“Career Crook” Ronald Tackman went to his court hearing dressed in a suit and started wandering around the court. Apparently he slipped away to a different section of the court house, where a court reporter mistook him for a lawyer, at which point Ronald probably realized that he could just “bail” (if you will), made a small ruckus and then sauntered causally out of the court.

Mr. Tackman is still currently a free man, as no one has any idea where he is.

Ronald’s other notable accomplishments include a failed hijacking attempt with a homemade rubber band gun, and a failed escape attempt with a fake gun carved out of soap. Third time’s a charm I guess.

I have a personal message for Judge Kevin P. Moriarty: GIVE IT UP. Regardless of whether it’s true or not, your alleged masturbation is all over the news, internet and world. You can try to live this one down, but you are ALWAYS going to be the judge who probably was masturbating while asking a plaintiff about her panties.

I want to say right off the bat that it has not been conclusively proven that this judge was actually masturbating. It probably can’t be proven either way. What brings this into the realm of that particular brand of American retardosity is 1) that this guy is somehow IN this situation and 2) he actually tried to make a public statement rebutting the claim.

Let’s first take a look at #1. I want all my readers to imagine, if you will, what it would be like to be from another country at this time in history. Some of you may actually be from another country – you sit this one out because you already know the answer.

You are watching this country, which beyond any shadow of a doubt started off as one of the greatest human accomplishments of all time, and held the hope of liberty and progress for all humanity in it’s fledgling hands, become one of the biggest jokes in human history.

We just listened in horror to the presidency of George Bush (regardless of your politics, the man could NOT speak). Then we bred Kayne. Now this.

A good analogy for America is Bob Saget – the pure, innocent father-figure from one of our favorite show’s in the 90’s, becomes a filthy degenerate stand-up comedian.

Now let’s look at #2.

How exactly does someone who is supposed to be upholding all that is fair and righteous in society, rebut a claim that he was masturbating on the job?

Here is Judge Moriarty’s official response:

“I can assure you at no time was I ever acting in the role of a judge, using profanity repeatedly, directing the word f— to her, discussing her sex life or her panties, or in any way intentionally intimidating her or attempting to sexually harass her. For her to say ‘the majority of the time we were in the courtroom, it appeared as if judge Moriarty was masturbating under the bench,’ is a complete lie.”

Listen buddy, it’s over. You lost the Game of Life. Just let it go. For your sake, I hope your parents are dead and that your friends quickly block you from their Facebook profiles – or whatever. Now quit your job, move to the Cayman islands and catch crab for a living. Game over.