Toilets and the Sanctity of Marriage

Posted: January 4, 2009 in Pithy Comments
Tags: , , ,

Being a relatively young guy, I value maintaining certain romantic and idealist aspects of a relationship; perhaps this will change as I age and become less concerned with basic human graces, but for the time being I would prefer to uphold the sanctity of my marriage by knowing as little as possible about the bowel movements of my significant other.

I plan to continue to delude myself by firmly believing that when women fart, birds chirp and butterflies flutter off towards the sun.

I am convinced, however, that toilets are designed to shatter this illusion on a daily basis, and I shall explain my theory with images:

One is your standard modern toilet bowl, the other an ancient amphitheater which was specifically designed to amplify sound and maximize its exposure to human ears. If one looks at the image of the amphitheater and extrapolates the design to imagine it as a full oval shape, you can see that the shape and design theory are virtually identical to the toilet.

How am I supposed to 1) stealthily go to the bathroom without offending my wife and 2) maintain my delusion that women do not make “bodily noises” when I am sitting on a mini-amphitheater which is specially designed to amplify my farts?

This is either a significant oversight in toilet design or a diabolical plan to squeeze any remaining sexual attraction out of male-female relationships. Personally, I think it’s the latter.

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