Hancock: Most Unimaginative SuperHero EVER

Posted: January 1, 2009 in Movie Reviews
Tags: ,

Today, I’d like to give you something. I would like to give you 1 hour and 32 minutes of your life, and let you do wth it whatever you like. Save our planet, help an old lady cross the street, pick your nose until you have utterly optimized your breathing passages, but for God’s sake do not see “Hancock.”

Now, let’s get this straight from the beginning: I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Hancock was going to be a retarded movie when I saw the preview. Hence why I never saw the flick until last night, when my wife and her sister (who are utterly infatuated with anything Hollywood) decided they were going to subject me to that crap. And also for the record, I voiced my opinion that  (and I quote) “the preview looked really stupid, you guys know that right?” Thus, you might say that I did all I could possibly do… and so I watched. And like a train wreck, I could not turn away.

Let’s get straight to the point: evidently, Hancock is simply invincible. Completely invulnerable – he cannot be hurt by ANYTHING. That’s right folks, the producers of our movies are so sure that they can make a profit no matter what kind of garbage they churn out that this is what they came up with.

I am not exaggerating here. No explanation, no back-story worth mentioning (other than that he is of “another kind”); he is simply invincible. Oh, and he can fly. Granted, his flying is a little wonky, probably due to the excessive amount of alcohol he consumes (which somehow affects him, despite being otherwise unaffected by anything else on the planet).

Evidently Hancock’s signature move is that he shoves one man’s head up another man’s ass. I kid you not. The threat is made a few times during the film, and once we actually see it come to fruition. What brilliance! What creative genius! The movie even rips off Superman’s needle-breaking skin. I won’t ruin the plot twist for you, in case you really are stupid enough to go see this movie after you’ve read this, so I’ll stop here.

Pros: Jason Bateman is a little bit funny, sometimes, and Charlize Theron for some reason looks extra smokin’ hot in this movie. That’s about it – and let me emphasize that in no way, shape or form does either of these redeem the movie in the slightest.

Hancock can basically be boiled down to “black man attitude” + completely unimaginative story and characters + no plot worth mentioning  + annoying main character + no comic relief = complete waste of time and money.

See This Movie If: You are one of “those people” – you know, the kind that is enamored by any movie simply because it’s movie magic that transports you to another place, regardless of how utterly retarded and unimaginative that place happens to be.

Do Not See This Movie If: You have an IQ over 80, you thought the preview looked retarded (it’s accurate), and you don’t think Will Smith has been amusing in the slightest since Fresh Prince.


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