Archive for January, 2009

Recently, I did a post on the Hancock movie which I claimed was the most unimaginative Superhero movie ever – and it was. Well, this must be “guys with ridiculous superpowers just for the sake of making a movie” week at my house.

In this case, we are discussing “Jumper” in which “Anakin Skywalker” (I don’t care what his real name is) plays some guy who can teleport ANYWHERE in the world with absolutely no limitations whatsoever (unless he is “tased” – but we’ll get to that).

Now, why is he able to do this? No special reason – evidently, there is “something in his DNA” that allows him and a few select others to do so (in other words, it allows someone to churn out a movie with virtually no plot for the sake of making a profit).

Anyway,  you are introduced to his love interest (who he knows he is fated to be with, despite being 15 years old), his new-found powers, and the backstory about his parents literally within minutes of the opening scene.

And so the movie continues with “Anakin” globetrotting and playing around with his abilities.

At some point, we find out that he is being tracked by Samuel L. Jackson, touting his tired, played-out “badass” attitude. Evidently “Jumpers” (as they are called) have been around since the medieval times and “Paladins” (of the likes of Jackson) hunt them and kill them.

Why? Because “only God should be able to be in all places, at all times.” The Jumpers can usually just teleport away from any sticky situation, but Paladins are able to thwart their ability with machines that send electrical currents through the bodies of the Jumpers (so how they caught them back in the day is a mystery).

The action throughout the flick is mildly entertaining, but certainly nothing you can’t see elsewhere. There really is nothing else worth discussing.

See This Movie If: You have Netflix or some other service with unlimited rentals, you don’t have to pay for the movie, and you are willing to waste a few hours of your life that you will never get back for an unimaginative, slightly entertaining but mostly brainless “adventure.”

Do NOT See This Movie If: You prefer stories with a plot, proper character development, a love story that isn’t retarded and unfounded, a main character with superpowers that have a believable explanation, jokes that are funny… you get the idea.

Now, I pride myself on not being constrained by the thinking of the two-party system that is currently forced upon us; if someone put a gun to my head and tried to force me into one of those political boxes, I would probably lean slightly towards Republican.

Nonetheless, by any standard, George Bush is a moron. How someone with his lack of speaking ability and general ineptitude slipped through the cracks is… well, a pretty good indication of just how far this once great nation has degenerated.

It’s embarrassing really. If you think about the great history of this nation, starting from its spectacular and incredibly idealistic beginning, it’s incredible to look at how badly we’ve screwed it up in less than three short centuries. If you take a step back, it’s truly mind-boggling. Is there ANY wonder why other countries think we are so ridiculous? If you don’t think so… well, you are probably a retard.

AOL recently compiled some of soon-to-be ex-President Bush’s best “phrase mangling” as they so aptly described it. Here are some of the better ones:

Easter Bunny Bush

Quote: “There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can’t get fooled again.”

The video is much better.

Bush Bomb

Quote: “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

We have no doubt Mr. President.

President Bush

Quote: “I can’t wait to join you in the joy of welcoming neighbors back into neighborhoods, and small businesses up and running, and cutting those ribbons that somebody is creating new jobs.”

What?

Bush Eats Kitten

Quote: “These are big achievements for this country, and the people of Bulgaria ought to be proud of the achievements that they have achieved.”

Indeed…

Bush Pope

Quote: To the pope: “Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech.

Hahah! “Right on brotha – high-five!” Christ, what a moron…

bush

Quote: “The fact that they purchased the machine meant somebody had to make the machine. And when somebody makes a machine, it means there’s jobs at the machine-making place.”

You can’t argue with logic…

bush-kicks-back

Quote: “And they have no disregard for human life.”

Those Bastards.

George-Bush-American-Flag

Quote: “Throughout our history, the words of the Declaration have inspired immigrants from around the world to set sail to our shores. These immigrants have helped transform 13 small colonies into a great and growing nation of more than 300 people.”

America being one of the few countries to enjoy such a distinction, no doubt.

We salute you on your way out Mr. President! In some ways, you were probably America’s most honest and accurate choice as the leader of our nation. These are tough shoes to fill Mr. Obama – best of luck.

Click here for the article and more “Bushisms” (but I picked the best ones).

Being a relatively young guy, I value maintaining certain romantic and idealist aspects of a relationship; perhaps this will change as I age and become less concerned with basic human graces, but for the time being I would prefer to uphold the sanctity of my marriage by knowing as little as possible about the bowel movements of my significant other.

I plan to continue to delude myself by firmly believing that when women fart, birds chirp and butterflies flutter off towards the sun.

I am convinced, however, that toilets are designed to shatter this illusion on a daily basis, and I shall explain my theory with images:

One is your standard modern toilet bowl, the other an ancient amphitheater which was specifically designed to amplify sound and maximize its exposure to human ears. If one looks at the image of the amphitheater and extrapolates the design to imagine it as a full oval shape, you can see that the shape and design theory are virtually identical to the toilet.

How am I supposed to 1) stealthily go to the bathroom without offending my wife and 2) maintain my delusion that women do not make “bodily noises” when I am sitting on a mini-amphitheater which is specially designed to amplify my farts?

This is either a significant oversight in toilet design or a diabolical plan to squeeze any remaining sexual attraction out of male-female relationships. Personally, I think it’s the latter.

Today, I’d like to give you something. I would like to give you 1 hour and 32 minutes of your life, and let you do wth it whatever you like. Save our planet, help an old lady cross the street, pick your nose until you have utterly optimized your breathing passages, but for God’s sake do not see “Hancock.”

Now, let’s get this straight from the beginning: I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Hancock was going to be a retarded movie when I saw the preview. Hence why I never saw the flick until last night, when my wife and her sister (who are utterly infatuated with anything Hollywood) decided they were going to subject me to that crap. And also for the record, I voiced my opinion that  (and I quote) “the preview looked really stupid, you guys know that right?” Thus, you might say that I did all I could possibly do… and so I watched. And like a train wreck, I could not turn away.

Let’s get straight to the point: evidently, Hancock is simply invincible. Completely invulnerable – he cannot be hurt by ANYTHING. That’s right folks, the producers of our movies are so sure that they can make a profit no matter what kind of garbage they churn out that this is what they came up with.

I am not exaggerating here. No explanation, no back-story worth mentioning (other than that he is of “another kind”); he is simply invincible. Oh, and he can fly. Granted, his flying is a little wonky, probably due to the excessive amount of alcohol he consumes (which somehow affects him, despite being otherwise unaffected by anything else on the planet).

Evidently Hancock’s signature move is that he shoves one man’s head up another man’s ass. I kid you not. The threat is made a few times during the film, and once we actually see it come to fruition. What brilliance! What creative genius! The movie even rips off Superman’s needle-breaking skin. I won’t ruin the plot twist for you, in case you really are stupid enough to go see this movie after you’ve read this, so I’ll stop here.

Pros: Jason Bateman is a little bit funny, sometimes, and Charlize Theron for some reason looks extra smokin’ hot in this movie. That’s about it – and let me emphasize that in no way, shape or form does either of these redeem the movie in the slightest.

Hancock can basically be boiled down to “black man attitude” + completely unimaginative story and characters + no plot worth mentioning  + annoying main character + no comic relief = complete waste of time and money.

See This Movie If: You are one of “those people” – you know, the kind that is enamored by any movie simply because it’s movie magic that transports you to another place, regardless of how utterly retarded and unimaginative that place happens to be.

Do Not See This Movie If: You have an IQ over 80, you thought the preview looked retarded (it’s accurate), and you don’t think Will Smith has been amusing in the slightest since Fresh Prince.