2010 in Review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 5,000 times in 2010. That’s about 12 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 3 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 13 posts.

The busiest day of the year was January 12th with 62 views. The most popular post that day was Swine Flu: Biggest Scam of 2009 Begins, Millions Prepare to “Protect Their Health”.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were digg.com, reddit.com, ifreestores.com, businessinsider.com, and slashingtongue.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for swine flu scam, america is retarded, swine flu fraud, flu scam, and retarded americans.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Swine Flu: Biggest Scam of 2009 Begins, Millions Prepare to “Protect Their Health” September 2009
48 comments

2

A Tribute to the King of Retards – George Bush January 2009
5 comments

3

Judge Masturbates in Court – Only in America October 2009
2 comments

4

“Why Are You Doing Sex To Me Obama?” November 2009
4 comments

5

Is Kanye West an Idiot? Absolutely. February 2010

iPhone 4 Bug: An Unintended Consequence of Multi-Tasking

* NOTE: This didn’t occur to me before, but this applies to ANYONE with an iPhone who upgraded to the new OS.

Here’s a little tip for iPhone 4 users that I just learned from a colleague who visited an Apple store over the weekend – as a result of the new multi-tasking feature, every application you’ve ever used is open right now on your iPhone, in the background.

If you’ve been suffering from degrading performance, including but not limited to your outboundphone calls taking 5-10 seconds to start ringing and general slowness in other areas, this is the cause.

To see how many apps you currently have open simultaneously, double click on the button and scroll to see how many are open. Someone actually asked me “which button” when I was telling them about this over the phone. In case you have a similar question, I’m referring to… the *only* button on the iPhone 4.

Anyway, once you’ve double-clicked the button, hold down your finger on one app to bring up the minus sign and close to your hearts content. Rinse and repeat daily until Apple figures out a solution.

How to Be Hot in a Bikini

MSN.com ran a feature story today on how to look hot in your bikini this summer; they actually created an entire video on the topic.

Unfortunately, most of it is hogwash. In fact, I can save you a lot of time. The groundbreaking formula for looking hot in your bikini this summer is:

Be Hot + Wear a Bikini

So yes, that precludes people who are not hot from looking hot in a bikini. It also precludes those who don’t wear bikinis from looking hot in one, even if they are hot.

Is Kanye West an Idiot? Absolutely.

This is a bit of old news at this point, but a recent discussion with a lady friend of mine has lead me to want to comment on this issue. The discussion went something like this:

Me (paraphrasing): “Kanye West is an idiot. His stunt at the VMA’s was selfish, stupid, pointless and rude.”

Her (paraphrasing): “Actually, I respect him. He’s not afraid to say what he thinks and he just uses the forums available to him.”

Now, clearly this person’s opinion is incorrect and I’d like to explain why, as well as give any of you who also have this opinion another opportunity to re-think your stance on this issue.

First of all, let’s break down exactly what happened at the VMA’s. Like many other artists that night, Taylor Swift won an award, in this case for best video. On the other hand, Kanye disagreed with this decision and decided to mount the stage during Miss Swift’s acceptance and declare that, in fact, Beyonce had the better video; actually, the best video ever. And I quote:

“I’m sorry, but Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time.” – Kanye West

“I’m sorry” are the only worthwhile words in that statement. You should be Kanye.

But I digress. So basically what happened, in a nutshell, is that Kanye had a difference of opinion. So far so good. Unfortunately he then decided to ruin a little girl’s acceptance speech in front of a gigantic audience of peers on national television.

Now, luckily there aren’t many idiots who think his behavior is at all acceptable, but for any of those who do, let me explain why this behavior is simply unacceptable in human society.

Imagine, as we must, that there are a significant amount of people in that room that disagree with any given decision; after all, there are generally five contenders for each award, and most people have a preference of one or at most two people. So many if not most people are going to disagree on some level with each decision. Now imagine if everyone of those people decided to rush the stage, wrestle for control of the microphone and declare that the person who won did not deserve to win.

Exactly. Kanye West is definitively a rude, ignorant, utterly self-centered moron.

He also thinks he the ‘Jesus of this generation.’ What an idiot.

So, Kanye West you have officially joined George Bush, the man you hate so much, as a certified, card-carrying, Retarded American. On this blog at least.

“Why Are You Doing Sex To Me Obama?”

Hopefully all of you idiots out there who voted for “change you can believe in” have realized that there has been… absolutely no change since Obama has been in office. Now, arguably Mr. Obama’s penchant for doing nothing is preferable to Mr. Bush’s propensity to screw everything up, but nonetheless I think we were all hoping for a little bit more after Obama’s great marketing campaign. It seems his strategy is more or less to stick his head in the sand and hope everything is better when he pulls it out – how could it get worse, right? Well, unfortunately it’s not really working and things are still getting slightly worse.

But anyway, enough political commentary – after not being funny for quite some time, Saturday Night Live decided to create some pretty funny and surprisingly honest comedy in regards to our president.

Please keep in mind that it starts off VERY SLOW and gets funny around 3:30, but you will want to at least listen a bit before to set the stage:

(Youtube took down the Video, so I have to send you to this website:
http://www.rightpundits.com/?p=5042

Criminal Poses as Lawyer, Gets Lost in the Crowd

Finally, an article that allowed me to write my own cheesy lawyer joke:

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a criminal in a three-piece suit? Not much, evidently.

“Career Crook” Ronald Tackman went to his court hearing dressed in a suit and started wandering around the court. Apparently he slipped away to a different section of the court house, where a court reporter mistook him for a lawyer, at which point Ronald probably realized that he could just “bail” (if you will), made a small ruckus and then sauntered causally out of the court.

Mr. Tackman is still currently a free man, as no one has any idea where he is.

Ronald’s other notable accomplishments include a failed hijacking attempt with a homemade rubber band gun, and a failed escape attempt with a fake gun carved out of soap. Third time’s a charm I guess.

Judge Masturbates in Court – Only in America

I have a personal message for Judge Kevin P. Moriarty: GIVE IT UP. Regardless of whether it’s true or not, your alleged masturbation is all over the news, internet and world. You can try to live this one down, but you are ALWAYS going to be the judge who probably was masturbating while asking a plaintiff about her panties.

I want to say right off the bat that it has not been conclusively proven that this judge was actually masturbating. It probably can’t be proven either way. What brings this into the realm of that particular brand of American retardosity is 1) that this guy is somehow IN this situation and 2) he actually tried to make a public statement rebutting the claim.

Let’s first take a look at #1. I want all my readers to imagine, if you will, what it would be like to be from another country at this time in history. Some of you may actually be from another country – you sit this one out because you already know the answer.

You are watching this country, which beyond any shadow of a doubt started off as one of the greatest human accomplishments of all time, and held the hope of liberty and progress for all humanity in it’s fledgling hands, become one of the biggest jokes in human history.

We just listened in horror to the presidency of George Bush (regardless of your politics, the man could NOT speak). Then we bred Kayne. Now this.

A good analogy for America is Bob Saget – the pure, innocent father-figure from one of our favorite show’s in the 90′s, becomes a filthy degenerate stand-up comedian.

Now let’s look at #2.

How exactly does someone who is supposed to be upholding all that is fair and righteous in society, rebut a claim that he was masturbating on the job?

Here is Judge Moriarty’s official response:

“I can assure you at no time was I ever acting in the role of a judge, using profanity repeatedly, directing the word f— to her, discussing her sex life or her panties, or in any way intentionally intimidating her or attempting to sexually harass her. For her to say ‘the majority of the time we were in the courtroom, it appeared as if judge Moriarty was masturbating under the bench,’ is a complete lie.”

Listen buddy, it’s over. You lost the Game of Life. Just let it go. For your sake, I hope your parents are dead and that your friends quickly block you from their Facebook profiles – or whatever. Now quit your job, move to the Cayman islands and catch crab for a living. Game over.

The Stupid American – Youtube Style

Today, I’d like to give a shout out to another Web 2.0 guy who just can’t believe how retarded American can be – and boy is there a lot to talk about. Arguably a lot more entertaining than myself, and not to mention he actual puts some effort into this pursuit by creating videos, I highly suggest you check out Philip DeFranco’s YouTube channel if you’re in the mood for a good laugh and some stupid American bashing:

http://www.youtube.com/user/sxephil#play/uploads/

Swine Flu: Biggest Scam of 2009 Begins, Millions Prepare to “Protect Their Health”

Modern society is preparing for its most recent plague, which will quite possibly be the most dangerous thing to happen to humanity since the last great outbreak: the release of the Swine Flu vaccination. That’s right, not the flu, the “prevention.”

A “top news story” featured on AOL this morning with the brazen title “2,000 Students at Washington State University Have Swine Flu.”

The article says that “More than 2,000 students at Washington State University have come down with swine flu symptoms in just the first week of classes, school officials said Friday” (Emphasis mine).

The alarmist and socially irresponsible title says the students “have the swine flu.” The article says that they have swine flu symptoms. What does that even mean? A runny nose? No doubt this information is based on self-reporting (like much of the “information” we have on the Swine Flu), which means that most of the students were probably hung over from the ‘first week of classes’ and reported these symptoms as potentially being the Swine Flu – because that’s what everyone is telling them it probably is.

No other information is provided in this fear-mongering article which serves no purpose other than to spread media hype in an attempt to grease the American population for the arrival of the soon-to-be-released Swine Flu vaccinations, coming soon to a doctor near you.

The article goes on to say that “A presidential panel estimates that upward of half of the U.S. population could come down with the H1N1 this year.” Oh my God, really?

Read what the Federal Health Minister of Australia has to say about the Swine Flu:

“In Australia, where the winter season has begun, Federal Health Minister Nicola Roxon is reassuring parents the swine flu is no more dangerous than regular seasonal flu. “Most people, including children, will experience very mild symptoms and recover without any medical intervention,” she said.”

The article goes on to discuss that the Swine Flu is no more dangerous than any other seasonal flu, and will likely be responsible for possibly 100 death in the United States. Meanwhile, we will be mass-injecting over 75 million people with a vaccine that has been proven to be dangerous to our nervous systems.

This article discusses Squalene, an ingredient in the Swine Flu that has been linked to very adverse symptoms which are probably worse than the Swine Flu.

As someone who works in marketing, I know a “pre-sell” when I see one. Pre-selling is an extremely powerful sales tactic in which a source that seems reputable (ie. the target audience is likely to trust the source) begins to subtly convince the intended victim, er, customer, that an upcoming product or service is worthwhile in order to increase the likelihood of selling the product once it arrives.

Dictionary.com says pre-selling is:
2) To promote (a product not yet on the market) by means of advertising.
3) To condition (a potential customer) in advance for later purchase of a product.

“But the Swine Flu vaccine is not a product ,” you say, “it’s intended to save the lives of millions of Americans!”

First of all, countless health officials and medical professionals do not agree – and I’ll bet most are afraid to speak up. Secondly, the vaccine absolutely is a product, and the drug companies are bracing themselves for the billions of dollars they are about to receive from the sale of Swine Flu vaccines.

The “pandemic” is nothing but a combination of very good marketing on the part of Drug companies, and the fear-mongering of a bunch of lemmings, the media, who maintain their station in our society by spreading fear, misinformation and half-truths.

Most people in the mainstream media are most likely just stupid, or irresponsible at worst. On the other hand, the drug companies are downright profit-hungry murderers, a plague on their fellow human beings (if they can be called humans at all).

They use us as guinea pigs for profit.

It’s difficult to blame this one on the stupidity of the American public because this is one of the most well-planned and well-executed marketing ploys in history, and one that plays on the natural human fear to protect one’s health.

How many parents will unknowingly damage their child’s future health, in an ironic attempt to protect their health, in the coming year? How will we damage future generations of humanity with our drug experimentation?

I have no doubt that future generations will look back on these last few decades as an atrocity in the annals of human history, much like we now think about shock treatment and lobotomies to cure “mental illnesses” that were largely imagined.

As has been said before, “want to become a millionaire? Invent a disease and market the cure.”

Indeed.

Legal Disclaimer for the sake of our litigious society and drug companies which have far more money than I do: I am not a doctor and all of this is my opinion. You would be advised not to listen to anything I have written here and discuss your health with a doctor before making any decisions about the Swine Flu vaccination.

Snakes on a Plane – Script with No Brain

Movie Review: Snakes on a Plane

Best Line: “I have had it with these goddamn snakes on this goddamn plane!” — Samuel L. Jackson

I have a confession to make – I am sitting here watching “Snakes on a Plane” solely so that I can write about it.

First of all, this movie exemplifies a current trend that I absolutely despise: utterly unoriginal movie titles that leave nothing to the imagination.

“Fighter” is coming out soon. Any clue what this movie is about? How about “Snakes on a Plane?” If I know what the entire movie is going to be about just from the title, I’m not going to watch your movie. Can we put a little bit of thought into a multi-million dollar production?

I blame all you idiots who go see the movie any way, to distract yourself from your pathetic life for two hours.

After about 30 minutes of virtually nothing happening, this movie begins with a surfer witnessing a murder by an Asian gangster. Then for some reason not worth recounting, Samuel L. Jackson shows up – do we really need a reason? It’s Sam Jackson for God’s sake.

Then for some reason, also not worth explaining, they get on a plane. And this plane – wait for it – has some snakes on it. On the plane. Let me reiterate: there are snakes on this plane. I know, I love a good plot twist TOO. And these snakes are MEAN, deadly, highly intelligent, and on a mission. A mission to bite people. On a plane.

There really is nothing else worth talking about. Sometimes there are movies that you just know are going to be retarded, but you go see them just for something to do, and then the movie ends giving you at least a laugh or two, or pause for thought in one part or another, or some inkling of value. “Snakes on a Plane” is not one of these movies.

See This Movie If: Don’t See This Movie.

Don’t See This Movie If: Let me reiterate: there is no reason for you to ever see this movie. Ok, if you have a blog in which you make fun of movies on a regular basis to emphasize how stupid American culture is, AND you’re bored on a Sunday night, then maybe you should see this movie. Otherwise, do NOT SEE THIS MOVIE.