2012 in review

Posted: December 30, 2012 in Retarded Americans

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 5,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 8 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

This just in (ok, a couple months ago): People magazine catches LeAnn Rimes in the act of enjoying the opposite sex. She was watching Go-Go dancers at a gay club in West Hollywood, where a source reports she “definitely appeared to be having a great time.”

Holy shit.

So I’m at work on a Monday morning in ‘internet surfing mode’ – you know, where the part of your brain that separates us from monkeys goes to sleep and you mindlessly read all the crap on your screen and impulsively click links.

I just happened to have had a new version of Windows installed on my machine last week, which reset all my browser settings, so I now have the default AOL homepage.

This stupid headline came up and single-handedly made me want to start writing this blog again:

Sandra Bullock's Dress at the Oscars 2012

Sandra Bullock at the 2012 Oscars

Why does this piss me off so much exactly? I’m not sure, to be honest. Maybe it’s because it actually made me have the immediately reaction that goes something like ‘Duh, what?? Sandra’s dress is EATING her?”, before my brain kicks back in with “God damnit…” and “who gives a shit?”.

It’s that sensationalist crap that media writers constantly regurgitate, trying to make the nonsense they write about seem more interesting.

Here’s the actual dress:

Image from Moviefone.com

Does that look like it’s eating anything?

But then I saw the NEXT slide and I realized where Sandra was in real danger of being eaten:

Image from Moviefone.com

What a waste of time. I can’t believe I even posted this.

2010 in Review

Posted: January 2, 2011 in Retarded Americans

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 5,000 times in 2010. That’s about 12 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 3 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 13 posts.

The busiest day of the year was January 12th with 62 views. The most popular post that day was Swine Flu: Biggest Scam of 2009 Begins, Millions Prepare to “Protect Their Health”.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were digg.com, reddit.com, ifreestores.com, businessinsider.com, and slashingtongue.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for swine flu scam, america is retarded, swine flu fraud, flu scam, and retarded americans.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Swine Flu: Biggest Scam of 2009 Begins, Millions Prepare to “Protect Their Health” September 2009
48 comments

2

A Tribute to the King of Retards – George Bush January 2009
5 comments

3

Judge Masturbates in Court – Only in America October 2009
2 comments

4

“Why Are You Doing Sex To Me Obama?” November 2009
4 comments

5

Is Kanye West an Idiot? Absolutely. February 2010

* NOTE: This didn’t occur to me before, but this applies to ANYONE with an iPhone who upgraded to the new OS.

Here’s a little tip for iPhone 4 users that I just learned from a colleague who visited an Apple store over the weekend – as a result of the new multi-tasking feature, every application you’ve ever used is open right now on your iPhone, in the background.

If you’ve been suffering from degrading performance, including but not limited to your outboundphone calls taking 5-10 seconds to start ringing and general slowness in other areas, this is the cause.

To see how many apps you currently have open simultaneously, double click on the button and scroll to see how many are open. Someone actually asked me “which button” when I was telling them about this over the phone. In case you have a similar question, I’m referring to… the *only* button on the iPhone 4.

Anyway, once you’ve double-clicked the button, hold down your finger on one app to bring up the minus sign and close to your hearts content. Rinse and repeat daily until Apple figures out a solution.

MSN.com ran a feature story today on how to look hot in your bikini this summer; they actually created an entire video on the topic.

Unfortunately, most of it is hogwash. In fact, I can save you a lot of time. The groundbreaking formula for looking hot in your bikini this summer is:

Be Hot + Wear a Bikini

So yes, that precludes people who are not hot from looking hot in a bikini. It also precludes those who don’t wear bikinis from looking hot in one, even if they are hot.

This is a bit of old news at this point, but a recent discussion with a lady friend of mine has lead me to want to comment on this issue. The discussion went something like this:

Me (paraphrasing): “Kanye West is an idiot. His stunt at the VMA’s was selfish, stupid, pointless and rude.”

Her (paraphrasing): “Actually, I respect him. He’s not afraid to say what he thinks and he just uses the forums available to him.”

Kanye West Taylor Smith vmas

Now, clearly this person’s opinion is incorrect and I’d like to explain why, as well as give any of you who also have this opinion another opportunity to re-think your stance on this issue.

First of all, let’s break down exactly what happened at the VMA’s. Like many other artists that night, Taylor Swift won an award, in this case for best video. On the other hand, Kanye disagreed with this decision and decided to mount the stage during Miss Swift’s acceptance and declare that, in fact, Beyonce had the better video; actually, the best video ever. And I quote:

I’m sorry, but BeyoncĂ© had one of the best videos of all time.” – Kanye West

“I’m sorry” are the only worthwhile words in that statement. You should be Kanye.

But I digress. So basically what happened, in a nutshell, is that Kanye had a difference of opinion. So far so good. Unfortunately he then decided to ruin a little girl’s acceptance speech in front of a gigantic audience of peers on national television.

Now, luckily there aren’t many idiots who think his behavior is at all acceptable, but for any of those who do, let me explain why this behavior is simply unacceptable in human society.

Imagine, as we must, that there are a significant amount of people in that room that disagree with any given decision; after all, there are generally five contenders for each award, and most people have a preference of one or at most two people. So many if not most people are going to disagree on some level with each decision. Now imagine if everyone of those people decided to rush the stage, wrestle for control of the microphone and declare that the person who won did not deserve to win.

Exactly. Kanye West is definitively a rude, ignorant, utterly self-centered moron.

He also thinks he the ‘Jesus of this generation.’ What an idiot.

So, Kanye West you have officially joined George Bush, the man you hate so much, as a certified, card-carrying, Retarded American. On this blog at least.